How to Heal an Avoidant Attachment Style: Steps to Build Secure Relationships
Defining Avoidant Attachment
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, explains how early relationships with caregivers shape the way we form and maintain connections as adults. Among the different attachment styles, avoidant attachment (also called dismissive-avoidant in adulthood) is one of the insecure patterns that can make emotional intimacy challenging (Therapist.com).
People with avoidant attachment often prioritize independence over closeness, struggling to trust others or express their emotions. This self-reliance can create barriers to deep, fulfilling relationships (Therapist.com). Avoidant attachment (also known as dismissive-avoidant in adulthood) is one of the insecure attachment styles. People with this style tend to avoid emotional intimacy and keep their distance in relationships. They often appear highly independent, struggle to trust others, and find it difficult to express their emotions and needs.
This attachment style often develops in childhood when caregivers are emotionally unavailable or unresponsive. Over time, children in these environments learn that expressing vulnerability does not result in their needs being met, leading them to suppress emotions and adopt a self-reliant mindset (Medical News Today).
As adults, they may find emotional closeness uncomfortable and instinctively distance themselves from intimacy, even when they desire connection. This avoidance serves as a protective mechanism, helping them feel in control and minimizing the risk of emotional pain. Over time, they learned that showing vulnerability would not meet their needs, leading them to suppress attachment needs and become self-reliant (Medical News Today). This coping strategy follows them into adulthood, where they may feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness. Even though they crave love and connection, they instinctively suppress their needs to avoid being hurt (Therapist.com).
Signs of Avoidant Attachment
In Romantic Relationships
Avoidant attachment often shows up as a fear of too much closeness. Someone with this style may withdraw when their partner seeks emotional intimacy, avoid deep conversations about the relationship, or prioritize independence over connection.
One common stereotype is the commitment-phobic partner who struggles to say "I love you" or make long-term plans. Research shows that avoidant attachment style in men is especially common, as societal expectations often discourage men from showing vulnerability (PMC). Regardless of gender, an avoidant partner may:
Keep conversations surface-level
Avoid discussing emotions
Prefer solo activities over quality time together
Shut down or walk away during conflicts
These behaviors can create a painful cycle, particularly if their partner has an anxious attachment style. The avoidant person distances themselves when emotions intensify, while their anxious partner may pursue them for reassurance, further deepening the disconnect.
In Friendships
Avoidant attachment doesn’t just affect romantic relationships; it also shapes how people engage in friendships (LA Concierge Psychologist). Someone with this style may be friendly in social settings but resist forming deep bonds. They often:
Keep conversations light and avoid emotional topics
Struggle to open up about personal challenges
Rarely reach out when they need help, preferring to handle things alone
Appear emotionally distant, making friendships feel one-sided
Over time, their reluctance to show vulnerability can lead to lost friendships or superficial connections that lack true intimacy.
In Sex and Physical Intimacy
Sex can be a challenge for avoidantly attached individuals because it requires both physical and emotional closeness. While they may enjoy sex, they often detach from the emotional connection that comes with it. Some behaviors include:
Avoiding affectionate foreplay or eye contact
Preferring casual sex over committed relationships
Using sex as a stress reliever rather than a way to build emotional intimacy
Studies suggest that avoidant individuals often view sex as a physical act rather than a means of deepening a relationship (Attachment Project). For their partners, this emotional detachment can feel confusing and hurtful, especially if they associate sex with love and connection.
How Avoidant Attachment Impacts Life and Relationships
Living with an avoidant attachment style can lead to long-term emotional challenges. Because avoidant individuals keep people at a distance, they often miss out on meaningful relationships without realizing it. Some of the common consequences include:
Relationship Difficulties
Struggles with intimacy and trust
Higher likelihood of breakups due to emotional disconnection (Therapist.com)
Feeling lonely even in relationships
Communication Barriers
Difficulty expressing feelings or needs
Avoidance of deep conversations
Misunderstandings due to lack of emotional engagement
Mental Health Challenges
Increased risk of anxiety, depression, and stress-related disorders
Suppressing emotions rather than addressing them
Difficulty coping with emotional stress
Lack of Support System
Hesitation to seek help or confide in others
Self-isolation, especially during difficult times
Struggles to form close friendships or maintain long-term bonds
The positive takeaway? Avoidant attachment is not set in stone—it can be transformed with conscious effort.
How to Communicate with Avoidant Attachment Style and Heal from It
1. Build Self-Awareness
The first step in healing avoidant attachment is recognizing the patterns. Ask yourself:
Do I shut down when someone expresses strong emotions?
Do I feel suffocated when a relationship becomes too close?
Do I prefer handling problems alone instead of seeking support?
Journaling about your emotional reactions and triggers can help you see patterns in how you respond to intimacy.
2. Practice Sitting with Emotions
Avoidant individuals often push emotions away rather than process them. Try mindfulness techniques like:
Breathing exercises – Deep breathing to stay grounded in emotional moments
Meditation – Practicing stillness and awareness of emotions
Journaling – Writing about feelings instead of suppressing them
Mindfulness and self-reflection allow you to build emotional resilience and tolerate intimacy more comfortably (Verywell Mind).
3. Show Yourself Compassion
Your avoidant tendencies likely stem from past experiences where emotional closeness felt unsafe. Rather than judging yourself, practice self-compassion. Remind yourself:
I developed this pattern for a reason, but I can change.
It’s okay to feel uncomfortable with closeness—I’m learning.
Progress takes time, and small steps matter.
4. Improve Communication in Relationships
Healthy relationships require open and honest communication. Start small by expressing your needs in low-stakes situations:
Use “I” statements: “I feel overwhelmed and need a moment to process.”
Share personal experiences to build trust
If overwhelmed, ask for a short break rather than withdrawing completely
5. Seek Professional Support
Therapy can be incredibly beneficial in rewiring attachment patterns. A therapist trained in attachment-focused therapy can help you:
Identify underlying beliefs about relationships
Learn new ways to approach intimacy and trust
Practice emotional regulation strategies
Final Thoughts
Healing from avoidant attachment takes time, but with consistent effort, self-awareness, and support, meaningful change is achievable. Our clinicians at the Brentwood Therapy Collective specialize in helping client’s identify their avoidant attachment, if you are ready to get started, contact us for a free consultation.
